Monday, August 1, 2011

Essay #2 - How Sweet The Sound

English 414

K. Leslie

7-28-11

Matthew Grubisich


How Sweet The Sound

      Speech is a beautiful thing. In the context of any given conversation, it binds us together through social interaction. The idea of conversation is hardly ever considered for more than what it is on the surface, a mere reciprocation of words between two or more individuals; but when you take a closer look, gender, dynamics of power and conversation styles play a significant role in how speech is interpreted. When taking a closer look into the complexity of speech and how it is developed, delivered and perceived, one can begin to understand how conversation styles come to exist. Personal experience and observations, as well as support from the works of Deborah Tannen, will help support the explanation of speech styles and how they affect the people who are processing the messages presented to them. The main focus will be the dynamics of interaction between men and women, as many factors contribute to how each gender communicates information and also how each interprets it. The delicate dance of conversation can be a smooth and joyful ride or it can leave you,oblivious to the beat of intended meaning.
     As I have documented numerous conversations, had between my girlfriend and I for about a week now, subtle trends have been drawn to attention, supporting the intricate and dynamic speech styles between the male and female gender. Although our communication is often a dialogue of harmonious exchange, my girlfriend and I don't always see eye-to-eye. This is because she thinks I don't listen. Not true. As Deborah 'Tannen explains in "I'll Explain It To You', Lecturing and Listening", men and women have different ways of responding to speech. Under the section titled "Mutual Accusations", she states "...that women may get the impression men aren't listening when they really are...because men have different habitual ways of showing they're listening". Tannen goes further to say that women often "...give more listening responses...like mhm, uh-huh, and yeah" and are more likely to ask questions. This is a woman's behavior in the form of listening, whereas men "...[give] fewer listener responses, making statements rather than asking questions, and challenging rather than agreeing". When my girlfriend was explaining to me the hardships that her sister was experiencing recently, she contested that my focus was not on her story. In response to her accusation, I offered her a simple solution to her sister's dilemma, which may have sounded a bit sarcastic, but only because I wasn't displaying other signs of listening. This conversation quickly escalated into a debate of attentiveness, but as I had a sensible response to her story she finished her story and the conversation went onto a different topic. Tannen also mentions that "To a woman who expects a listener to be active and enthusiastic in showing interest, attention, and support, a man who listens silently will seem not to be listening at all..." As she has made it clear to me, my girlfriend was skeptical of my attentiveness because she felt that we weren't connecting on a metamessage level. I am more attuned to my girlfriends desire for establishing relationships within conversation as I can show more listener response cues. I do hope to enlighten her on the differences in gender response styles because having an awareness for these differences can enhance conversations had between all walks of life, establishing strong connections between them.
     In the section titled "Listener As Underling", Tannen discusses the act of becoming subjected to a one-sided conversation, a subordinate to a lecturer more or less. In regards to gender, she explains that women "...are unlikely to try to pass on the gift of information", whereas men will listen if the information provided has potential for being retold in the future, and that women are "more likely to give the gift of being a good audience". Tannen then explains that men find themselves on the receiving end of lectures "...if the other man is in a position of higher status. They know they have to listen to lectures from fathers and bosses". I can relate to this when I reflect on conversations had between me and my father. Growing up, I would always find myself being lectured, or as he saw it, enlightened by his infinite wisdom; which it was, but every conversation ended up becoming a lesson of sorts. I loved him for being a well of information on things I had no previous knowledge on, but I did at times feel like I was lured unwittingly into lessons that came out of the most insignificant conversations. For example, talking to him the other day about my eagerness to restore my car led to a twenty minute tutorial on how to properly approach turns on a professional race track. I was confused on how the conversation got there, but out of respect, I listened attentively. So as Tannen said it, my father sometimes "...presses information on [me] so insistently that [I] give in and listen. To further agree with Tannen, I often do find his insight to be interesting, so I listen and even sometimes share the information with others at later times.
     In "How to Give Orders Like a Man", also by Deborah Tannen, she discusses the differences in direct and indirect speech and how each conversational style is interpreted on the receiving end. Although general assumptions would note direct speech as more effective and logical and indirect speech as manipulative or illogical, she states that "...ways of talking should not be taken as obvious evidence of inner psychology states like insecurity or lack of confidence". To support Tannen's claim, I found that personal experiences at my workplace would suffice as evidence. A few days ago, my co-worker, Antonette, had expressed her frustrations  about our boss, who has an obvious history of using indirect speech. Antonette's issue was with his constant use indirect orders, which, like expected, she interpreted as manipulative and passive aggressive. She felt that he often complained about a problem and voiced repeatedly that it would need attention, rather than just nominating someone to appease the situation. I had never realized up until that conversation with Antonette, that she herself was very direct and to the point with her speech. As Tannen had brought it to my attention, it was quite possible that this was "...just a way of blaming others for our discomfort with their styles", or in this case, her discomfort with our boss's style. Tannen concludes that the most effective outcome in either direct or indirect styles of speech is the ability for the person giving orders to have a keen sense and ability to recognize either style. When the ability to establish each style is achieved, successful communication is inevitable to those participating.
     The social interactions that take place, from person to person, bind us together in a song of speech. As we exchange words between each other, there is an array of different outcomes, whether it be harmonious conversation or off-beat confusion. In reading the work of Deborah Tannen and reflecting on personal experiences, the dynamic of power and differences in gender styles of speech have clarity and understanding. Also, in having a better awareness in these different speech styles, it is certain that stronger connections can be made between the people in conversation. The sound of sweet conversation can be achieved if we are all willing to listen.

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